


The Worst Shenny Fic Ever

by concupiscence66



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: F/M, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-14
Updated: 2011-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:09:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concupiscence66/pseuds/concupiscence66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every once in a while, I need to make myself laugh. This is one of those times. If you are looking for familiar characters or a coherent plot or a sex scene that isn't gross and painful sounding, this is not the story for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Shenny Fic Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Mothermedusa and Trippy41 for tips and insights. Mothermedusa provided Penny's wonderful fantasy (which I just copied word for word) and Trippy41 introduced me to Taylor Swift's "Fifteen'. I have included some of Miss Swift's lyrics here for humorous effect. I take no credit for her deep and meaningful words.

Sheldon sat at his lap top working hard.  
   
He was writing a poem about Penny. For four years he had loved her secretly, his heart aching at the sight of her lovely visage. Her green eyes were like oceans he longed to explore. Her flaxen hair was more radiant than the sun and just as essential to his survival.  
   
A tear rolled down his angular cheek for she would never be his for she loved another. She loved his roommate.  
   
As he did in these times of despair, he turned to his one source of solace, the music of Taylor Swift.  
   
   
 _I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night  
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like  
And she'll never know your story like I do_

 _But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts  
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers  
Dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find  
That what you're lookin' for has been here the whole time_

 _If you could see that I'm the one who understands you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me  
You belong with me_

   
As her melodious voice filled his ears, he imagined different lyrics to his favorite song.  
 

 _I'm in the living room, it's Halo night  
I'm listening to the kind of music he doesn't like  
And he'll never know your story like I do  
   
But he wears a hoodie, I wear two tee-shirts  
He drives a car and I'm wearing bus pants  
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find  
That what you're looking for has been in the adjacent room the whole time..._  
   
   
Penny woke up in Leonard's bed with a sorrowful sigh. She knew she would never love or even like the man that slept beside her but she couldn't leave him. She only wished a man who truly loved her would come and save her from this loveless union.  
   
She was almost certain Leonard was cheating on her. There had been signs.  
   
There were the callers that hung up when she answered his home phone.  
   
The lipstick she'd found on his collar.  
   
The used condom on the floor of his car. He said some homeless people must have broken into his car and had sex but she didn't believe it. Not this time. How many times a week could he forget to lock his car doors? Besides, Sheldon was in the car with him and Sheldon would never forget to lock the car doors.  
   
She thought of Sheldon. His cerulean blue eyes, chiseled features, luscious lips...  
   
Penny realized with a start that her panties were soaking wet. She was attracted to Sheldon! More than just attracted to him, she loved him.  
   
She'd always loved him.

  
   
Leonard leered to himself as he watched Penny get dressed. She had such a fine ass and it was all his.  
   
Too bad, Sheldon. I know you've secretly been in love with her for years but she's mine and you'll never have her.  
   
He wondered if Sheldon was sitting in his room crying and stroking his enormous dick while listening to Taylor Swift and thinking about Penny.  
   
Too bad, loser.  
 

   
Sheldon sat on his bed stroking his enormous dick while he cried and thought about Penny's perfectly formed ass. Taylor Swift's voice poured into his ears.  
   
He imagined how she would scream in pain and pleasure and he shoved his massive penis inside her with no warning or foreplay and thrust as hard as he could for an hour. When he came, he only whispered, "Penny."

Penny was suddenly wet between her legs again. She could have sworn she heard Sheldon whisper her name.

Leonard turned his jealous eyes to his girlfriend. He was suddenly sure she was getting wet thinking about another man.  
   
What if that man was Sheldon?  
   
Impossible! Sheldon was a nerd! He spent all his time working and playing video games. He collected comic books and action figures! He was so brainy it intimidated girls and he was nervous and awkward around women. He wasn't anything like Leonard. He laughed to himself and smacked Penny on the ass and told her to make him some breakfast.

  
   
Penny wondered if Leonard somehow knew she was getting wet thinking about another guy. Wouldn't he be furious to know she was attracted to a geek like Sheldon instead of him? She smiled to herself as she made his eggs and bacon. She was going to show Leonard Hofstadter he wasn't the God's gift to women he thought he was.  
   
Sheldon walked into the living room. He was wearing a long sleeved tee-shirt with a short sleeved tee-shirt over it. He gazed longingly at Penny. For a moment, she though he returned her gaze.  
   
"Would you like some eggs and bacon, Sheldon? I'd be happy to make some for you."  
   
"Today is Sheldon's oatmeal day. Didn't you get the spreadsheet I e-mailed to you? Are you too dumb to open the attachment?"  
   
"Penny is not dumb! She's the smartest person I know! And the sweetest and the most..."  
   
Penny knew he was going to say beautiful. Were those tears in his azure eyes?  
   
"I would love eggs and bacon, Penny. I appreciate the things you do. In fact I love... eggs and bacon."  
   
He'd lost his nerve. Again.  
   
There was a knock at the door.  
   
Penny hurried to answer the door before Leonard had time to tell her she was stupid again.  
   
It was Raj and Howard.  
   
"Hey, what's up? Are you still a virgin, Sheldon?" yelled Howard.  
   
Raj sing-songed "Loser!" as he walked in the door. Raj could now talk in front of women. He admired Penny's shapely legs and imagined having sex with her.  
   
Howard looked at Penny's breasts filling her tight tank top and wished he could have sex with her. It made him feel better that he had a better chance with Penny than Sheldon because Sheldon was such a nerd.  
   
"Our you giving me a ride too work today? Raj needs a ride two. We'll both need rides the next to days. Their fixing are cars at the shop," Howard explained. Sheldon didn't think they're cars were in the shop, they just wanted to ogle Penny like a piece of meet.  
   
Sheldon decided to put on his bus pants. He wouldn't be in a car with these horrible men who did not respect Penny.  
   
"Is Sheldon coming with us?"  
   
"I don't think so."  
   
"Why not?"  
   
"Who knows?"  
   
"Who cares?"  
   
"I hate that guy."  
   
"Howard!" Penny yelled, "How can you say you hate Sheldon?"  
   
"I didn't say it! He did."  
   
"Yeah, I did."  
   
Sheldon wiped a tear from his cobalt eye. Although he hated Howard, Raj and Leonard and had since the day he met them, it still hurt to be made fun of. No one understood him. Except Taylor Swift.  
   
And Penny.  
   
"We're leaving, Smelly Shelly! Have fun on the bus! We'll be listening to Kanye West on the way to work. Ima let you finish..."  
   
He wasn't sure who was speaking. Their three voices were indistinguishable.  
   
Penny washed the dishes and dreamed.  
   
 _They had only had sex the one time and Penny knew Sheldon was a virgin but he blew her away. She had come three times in a row and was still sore four days later from the massive size of him. Now, she sat on her toilet anxiously watching the stick in her hand. Two blue lines. Penny was thrilled- she had no career, no room for a baby and they had sex once but she was pregnant with Homo Novus's child and that meant Sheldon would be in her life for at least 18 years._  
   
She wept as she continued to clean the apartment. It was just a fantasy, she would never be that lucky.  
   
Or maybe she would be that lucky!  
   
She ran to put on her slinky blue dress and her highest high heels and headed to the bus stop.

  
   
Sheldon was already gone. Penny wept until another bus came.  
   
"Excuse me, I'm looking for the man I love. He's tall and has indigo eyes and..."  
   
"I know just who you're talking about!" exclaimed the bus driver, "Hop on. This is going to take me an hour out of my way but I will get you to the man you love."  
   
Everyone on the bus cheered.  
   
 

Sheldon was waiting for his connection at the bus station. As he waited, he thought of Penny. He imagined her perfect bouncy breasts and suddenly found himself erect. All the women around him turned and stared in awe. He had to go to the men's room and take care of his erection before he got on another bus!  
   
Penny caught a glimpse of Sheldon as he disappeared into the men's room. She had seen the massive tent in his pants from across the room. She licked her lips and tossed her golden hair. This was too good to miss!  
   
Sheldon stepped into the handicapped stall and began to stroke himself through his pants. He wished he had some scented candles. He usually liked to create a romantic scene when he masturbated while thinking about the woman he loved.  
   
He imagined her bursting into the stall and yanking down her top to expose her perfect breasts.  
   
Wait! It wasn't a dream. She was really there!  
   
"Sheldon, I love you!"  
   
"And I love you, Penny."  
   
"But what about Leonard?"  
   
"He can lick my hairy balls!"  
   
"Not if I beat him to it!"  
   
Penny unzipped his pants and moaned when his penis fell out and hit the floor with a thump.  
   
"Oh my god, Sheldon! I've never seen one so big before!"  
   
"Have you ever tasted one this big before?" he asked in a sexy voice.  
   
Penny dropped to her knees and began to suck him. When he came, so did she, just from the excitement of going down on him.  
   
Having just orgasmed, Sheldon was still hard and ready for more. He pulled Penny up from her kneeling position on the floor of the bus station bathroom and, for the first time, he kissed her. She came again when his lips touched hers. She clung to his well-muscled arms and moaned.  
   
"I want you inside me."  
   
"Should I wear a condom?"  
   
"Sheldon, I may be young and promiscuous but I'm in love with you so we don't need to worry about pregnancy or disease."  
   
"You are so intelligent, Penny."  
   
"Take me now."  
   
Sheldon ripped her panties off her body and slammed her against the wall of the stall. He pushed inside her in one thrust. If it were anyone else it would have been a painful invasion but because she loved Sheldon, it felt good. She couldn't stop coming as he slammed her against the metal wall. Then he turned her around so she could hold the railing around the toilet while he took her from behind.  
   
"Oh yes, oh yes, oh my God! I love you, Sheldon. And I love your cock."  
   
"I love you, too, Penny. Now take it all, bitch."  
   
"I will. I'll take it."  
   
He threw her to the floor and they rutted like animals on the bathroom floor. When he finally came, he filled her full of so much love juice she was sure she was going to be pregnant. Then Sheldon could break his lease, pay Leonard his part of the next six months rent and move into Penny's one bedroom apartment and they could raise their child together.  
   
As they lay panting on the bathroom floor, Sheldon looked deep into Penny's emerald eyes and knew what he had to do.  
   
He pulled the diamond ring he'd been carrying for four years out of his pocket.  
   
"Will you marry me, Penny."  
   
Penny wept and said, "Yes, a million times, yes!"  
 

  
Sheldon was whistling when he walked into the lunch room. He sat down with the people he hated.  
   
Leonard sneered, "Did you have fun on the bus?"  
   
Howard and Raj laughed sycophantically.  
   
Sheldon narrowed his beryl eyes, "I had fun fucking your girlfriend on the floor of the bus station bathroom."  
   
Raj threw up in his mouth.  
   
Howard yelled, "I won't even use those urinals! I'd rather pee on the wheels of the bus. It's cleaner and it smells better."  
   
"That's true but besides the point! Sheldon had sex with my girlfriend! I thought we were friends."  
   
"She's not your girlfriend anymore, she's my fiancee and no, Leonard. We aren't friends."  
   
"Yes, we are. We've lived together for seven years, we spend every waking moment together. I drive you everywhere, accommodate your quirks..."  
   
"I hate you because you stole the only woman I've ever loved."  
   
"While I have always known that you loved Penny and the two of you are meant to be together, somehow I never realized I was wrong to pursue her. I'm sorry. You have my blessing. I hope the two of you are very happy together. Did you use a condom?"  
   
"Of course not, I love Penny."  
   
"Then she's probably pregnant. I'll move into her apartment so the two of you can live in our apartment and raise your baby."  
   
"Thank you, Leonard."  
   
The two men hugged, tears in their eyes. Leonard's hand slid down to cup Sheldon's firm and perfect ass.  
   
"It's not that kind of story, Leonard."  
   
"Oops," Leonard looked around for a woman and spied Leslie.  
   
"Leslie, will you marry me?"  
   
"Of course I will!" she squealed.  
   
Leonard and Sheldon looked at each other, "Double wedding!"  
   
"Hey, I'll marry Bernadette!" added Howard.  
   
"Triple wedding!"  
   
"What about me?" asked Raj, tears of sadness streaming down his face, "I'll be left out."  
   
The four men only had to think for a moment before they all yelled in unison.  
   
"Amy Farrah Fowler!"

  
   
Penny was pregnant with twins so they had to plan the wedding quickly. Three weeks later they had their quadruple wedding in the most beautiful church in Pasadena. Penny wept as her father walked her down the aisle.  
   
"Do you, Penny mphphhh, take Sheldon Cooper to be your husband?"  
   
"I do. Oh yes, oh yes. Oh my God, I do."  
   
Sheldon turned to Penny and opened his mouth to sing.  
   
He sang with all his heart.

  
 _You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors  
It's the morning of your very first day  
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while  
Try and stay out of everybody's way_

 _It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here  
For the next four years in this town  
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say  
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"_

 _'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you  
You're gonna believe them  
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out  
Well, count to ten, take it in  
This is life before you know it you're gonna be  
Twenty-Nine._


End file.
